HARRY POTTER AND THE SLYTHERIN SEDUCTION
by Frank N. Berry
Summary: With Ron away, Malfoy shows Harry how he really feels.


Christmas break was right around the corner and the air was full of anticipation as everyone awaited the news from the wizarding universities they had applied to.  
The Gryffindor students were seated in their lounge, eating chocolate nonsense, when Neville busted in.  
Neville was totally excited. He was all waving a letter around and like, "Hey everyone, I got accepted into my first choice: Magicapufagus U!"  
Everyone half-heartedly pretended to be excited. Magicapufagus U was a terrible school.  
It was lucky to be someone's safety school, there was no way it was anyone's first choice.  
Neville waited for a little while to see if anyone would get more excited, maybe give him three cheers or lift him into the air.  
Don't hold your breath Neville.  
That's when he decided to push his luck.  
"I bet my parents will be pretty happy."  
The awkwardness was so thick you could have cut it with a knife if you weren't so worried about hurting its feelings. There was a moment of silence and just as everyone breathed a sigh of relief that the moment was passing, a voice rang out, "Like hell they will!"  
'OH GOD NO!' Everyone thought.  
Harry had heard, and he was in no mood not to stomp on Neville's heart.  
"Even if your parents hadn't been tortured into craziness there's no way they'd be happy you could only get into that hole!"  
Harsh, but let's face facts, true. Neville should have known when to stop.  
Harry had been like this since Ron's parents mysteriously pulled Ron out of Hogwarts mid-term and sent him to some Catholic magic boarding school.  
Now Harry and Ron's only contact was through Hermoine who would pass trinkets between the two, stuff like bits of particularly smelly clothing, locks of hair, etc.  
There were some ugly rumors going around.  
Cho said that Harry had wanted her to cut her hair short and dye it red and that he broke up with her when she refused. No one really believed Cho because she seemed like kind of a bitch/slut but there was no denying that Harry had been acting oddly.  
He would listen to his music cranked up way loud, regardless of how many people were in the room, and worse, he would sometimes walk up to people, put his hands on their shoulders, and sway to the rhythm the music.  
And sing.  
And let me tell you, Harry might be able to fight Voldemort but he can't freaking sing.  
And you know how some people who can't sing just sort of talk the lyrics?  
Not Harry.  
He just belts it out as loud as he can.  
And forget asking him to turn it down or stop because he just gets all pissy and shouts things like, "Excuse me for feeling too much!"  
Whatever that means.  
Also, no one could have any fun around Harry anymore.  
He always ruined it.  
Like one time Seamus told this great joke (I would write it down but it was a magic thing so we probably wouldn't get it) and everyone was laughing. Everyone except Harry. He just sort of half-smiled and when everyone was done laughing he said, "Ron would have liked that."  
Harry Potter – Slayer of Moods!

Harry wasn't the only one acting weird.  
Just before Ron had been sent away, Malfoy had suddenly started avoiding Harry.  
That little blond punk used to love to mix it up with Harry, always giving him crap about his dead parents and stuff.  
Not anymore.  
Like one time, Malfoy was complaining about how all the good magic scholarships were for Mud Bloods and Harry overheard him and totally called him on it.  
All Malfoy did was start blushing and trying to look anywhere except at Harry and he was all, "Yeah, I guess your right. I mean historically they've had a pretty hard time, they need the extra financial assistance."  
Weird.

As Christmas break arrived, Hogwarts became deserted as those without dead parents went away to enjoy them while they could. With no immediate Voldemort plans to preoccupy him, Harry turned to acts of petty vandalism.  
One fateful afternoon found Harry sitting at a table in the magic library, doodling naked people in the pages of popular books.  
Probably the wizard equivalent of Harry Potter.  
Maybe "Totally Normal Boy and the Backed Up Toilet."  
Anyway, the doors were suddenly flung open and in came Malfoy. Malfoy slinked on over to where Harry was and slid into the seat across from him.  
"Hey Harry," said Malfoy, absently playing with his golden locks.  
"What do you want Malfoy?" Harry growled, not looking up from his latest penis.  
"Oh nothing…" Malfoy sat in silence for a while, stealing glances at Harry.  
"Hey Harry," Malfoy leaned over the table, putting one of his fingers into his mouth and chewing on it, "can I tell you a secret?"  
Oh for Christ's sake. "What?" asked Harry.  
"Well it's just my dad - you know my dad right?"  
"He has tried to kill me several times."  
"Yeah," said Malfoy, "I think he might try again!"  
Harry looked up. I mean, you can pretty much assume Malfoy's dad is always going to try to kill Harry again, but to have an actual idea of when is always helpful.  
"Yeah," said Malfoy, "I think it's going to be him and Voldemort and, you know, just that group in general. They're going to try and kill you. Once and for all this time."  
"When?" Harry asked.  
"Not hhheeeerrreee!" Malfoy screeched, jumping out of his seat and running to a near by column which he threw himself against, sobbing.  
Harry waited for Malfoy to come and sit back down, but after a few minutes it became clear that wasn't happening. Harry got up and walked over to Malfoy who whispered, "Come to my room tonight, at 10." He threw a glance at Harry that was. . . smoky? "Come alone!"

Harry arrived at Malfoy's room at 10. He knocked on the door and heard Malfoy chime from inside, "Come in!"  
Malfoy was wearing some little silky green bath robe, one that presumably should have had pants with it because it just covered up his junk. "Oh good, it's you!" Malfoy said, breathily, "I was afraid it was someone dangerous!" Malfoy giggled and waved his hands about his face, "You must think I'm so silly! Being afraid of every little noise!" Malfoy skipped over to the bed and sat down. "I mean, you, Harry Potter! You've just done it all!"  
"Well, Voldemort's a pretty scary guy," Harry must have been slightly weary, because he was not moving from in front of that door.  
"Harry, come sit down here next to me," Malfoy patted the mattress, "I don't want to be screaming my secret across the room."  
Harry hesitated, but then made his way over to Malfoy and sat next to him.  
"So," Harry said, "what's the deal with your dad?"  
Malfoy pulled out his wand and cooed "Handcuffus to the bedpostus."  
A pair of cuffs suddenly appeared, securing Harry's left hand to the bed.  
The situation had suddenly taken a turn for the worse.

"Okay Malfoy, I know your dad is evil and stuff but - "  
"Shhhhh!" hissed Malfoy. Malfoy stood up and slid off the robe, "You need to relaaaaxxx!" Now if you thought Malfoy was going to take off that robe and be naked, you're mistaken. Nope, it was just Malfoy in a pair of tighty whities.  
If sexiness was a person, and that thing about opposites attracting is true, sexiness and Malfoy would probably have gotten on really well. Although the relationship probably wouldn't have gone anywhere.  
Malfoy was all fish belly white with a sunken chest and little string beany arms. Seriously, the guy's probably never even heard of push ups.  
This just wasn't working for Harry. Malfoy was all weird-looking and the cuffs really hurt because they were like the real metal things cops would use.  
"Malfoy," Harry said, "Seriously you should just stop."  
"Oh," Malfoy said. He thought for a while. "Oh I know what's miss-ing!" Malfoy said in a sing song voice. He got off the bed and minced over to wardrobe.  
Oh god.  
Malfoy opened the door to hide himself from Harry. "Now don't pe-ak!" Again with the sing song. It wasn't cute the first time.  
Then the door shut and there stood Malfoy with a red wig on.  
This is just too embarrassing. Harry was considering just doing the poor dope a favor and going through with it when there was a knock on the door.  
Malfoy pretended to be all scared, probably thinking Harry would think it was cute (it wasn't). "Ohhh! Who could that be? Don't breath a word my pet!" Malfoy pranced back over to Harry and stuffed a sock into his mouth.  
A dirty sock.  
A sock that had minutes earlier been on Malfoy's foot.  
He didn't even ask, he just stuffed it in there.  
Not cool.  
Harry pulled the sock out with his free hand.  
Malfoy sashayed back to the door and flung it open.  
Crabbe and Goyle.  
Wearing red wigs.  
There was a bad moon on the rise.  
Malfoy put his hand over his mouth like he was all surprised (he totally planned it). "Ohhhh! Looks like we've been found out Harry!"  
Crabbe and Goyle didn't look any more pleased than Harry. Harry just felt sorry for everyone. Malfoy for thinking this was working, and Crabbe and Goyle for apparently being so desperate to fit in they would go along with this.  
Malfoy was twitching and squirming around and all like, "You won't tell anyone will you?"  
Goyle stammered, "No. In fact we – we'd like to join you."  
That was when Crabbe started to cry and Harry had had enough.  
"Malfoy you need to stop this!"  
"But - "  
"No I don't want to hear it! What is wrong with you? No one is into this except you. No one!" Malfoy was all flustered and upset. And embarrassed. I mean who wouldn't be?  
"But isn't this what you want? It's just like with Ron! Yes! I saw you two Harry, I just thought that maybe I could fill that Ron shaped hole in your he- " Malfoy put his hand over his mouth to silence the sob. He closed his eyes and tried to compose himself while Harry laid it out for Malfoy.  
"You can't just handcuff someone to the bed, put on a wig, and expect it to work. Listen Malfoy, you have to be yourself. Because someday you'll find someone who will love you for what you are: a skinny, weird looking little bastard with a terrible personality."  
That sounds pretty back handed to me but I guess it was what Malfoy wanted and needed to hear.  
Malfoy waved his hands furiously in front of his face, but it was no use.  
Malfoy started to cry, causing the mascara to run down his face (yes he had been wearing mascara, he thought it would be exotic but he just looked like a whore). Malfoy sniffed hard to keep the mucus from pouring out of his nose and forced a smile. He opened his mouth to say something but the tears just started coming full force.  
Truly, few seduction attempts had ended so poorly.  
Malfoy threw himself onto Harry and buried his face into Harry's chest, leaving Harry slathered in muscus and tears.  
Normally Harry would have thrown something so repulsive and slimy off of him, but instead he wrapped his non-handcuffed arm around Malfoy's heaving shoulders, whispering into his ear: "It's alright, it's alright."  
Maybe Harry could find it in himself to be more patient with everyone from now on.  
And maybe Malfoy could talk to his dad about laying off all the attempts on Harry's life.

Oh I forgot to mention, while this was going on Hermoine, Ginny, Luna, Cho, and those two Indian chicks who look alike – they all experimented with each other. They had a pretty good time, but they decided it wasn't for them.


End file.
